An Unscheduled Moment

My children invented a game, this morning, which involved the little one pushing the big one out into the rain, dissolving in fits of laughter and repeating. I was drawn away from the kitchen to the intoxicating sound of their joy.

In my experience, creative, spontaneous play unfolds organically when children are given large amounts of unscheduled time to follow the whims of their developing brain in a safe and familiar location, like their own home. 

In spite of my strong commitment spontaneous expression, I constantly find myself feeling pressured by "schedule," "measuring my worth by production" and "number of organized activities," values highly revered by American culture. Certainly schedules, goal setting, planned activities and production have their place and have the potential to facilitate a certain amount of joy and satisfaction, but every human needs a balance of scheduled time and unplanned time. Some of us are designed to flourish in a more structured environment and some of us are designed to flourish in a less structured environment.

I'm still learning who my children are and what they need as individuals, but I know I myself thrive on large amounts of unplanned space to create and follow an unseen "flow." Perhaps it could be called an "unseen structure." In spite of this self awareness, I spend far too much time chasing satisfaction from rigid models of daily life. Today the example of my children, and their deep notes of delight in surprise creativity, beckoned me back home.

I welcome you to delay your next activity by another 39 seconds, walk into my home through this one minute video and relive this unplanned moment with me.....

Christmas Glow

Another little Christmas miracle; I am at the beach, my favorite place in the world, on this Christmas Day.  I aim for Christmas perfection every single year, but I don't get Christmas perfection every year. I am very much aware that "Christmas perfection" is a combination of heart warming circumstances and a state of mind, the state of mind being the most crucial element. Therefore, I am especially grateful for the Christmas perfection I felt this year.  We have an ENORMOUS set of extended family.  No way are we able to gather everyone together most holidays.  But a few showed up at our door last night and kicked off one of our best Christmas celebrations ever.  

One of my favorite realities about our family is the flexibility of our Christmas traditions.  We have many traditions we draw upon depending what seems practical for the current year. Each year there are themes similar to previous years and themes brand new.  

This is our first Christmas at the beach.  After gifts were given and opened with love and thoughtfulness, same as every year, many rushed to change out of pajamas into beach clothes to bike down to the water's edge and jump, splash, build and toss sand, while others burned energy on the beach basketball court.

I love the beach because it's the one place in the world where everyone understands how to live in the moment.  No one expects a sand castle to last more than a few minutes or a few hours at best. Yet we throw all of our passion and joy into this effort as though we are sculpting the next Michelangelo. We don't grasp, stress or cling to this fleeting moment, knowing full well a similar moment might come again, but never with the exact same feeling. We enjoy and release it without question.

Christmas Day, on the other hand, is a holiday scarred with expectations unmet for many people.  I have shed my share of tears on Christmas Day for one reason or another.  Some of us give up and grow callus, loosing our childlike wonder.  Some of us spin our wheels harder, trying to force it, only making it worse.  I chose to simply try again every year with varying levels of success and failure, attempting, every year, to accept what IS. Striving and releasing. Striving and releasing.

Will we all get it right one day?  Will there ever come a time when the afterglow of Christmas perfection lasts forever?  Is it even possible, in this broken world, to live, all year long, in the true Spirit of the biggest Christmas miracle which took place two thousand years ago?  

I don't know.  If it's possible, I haven't succeeded yet.  I haven't made it all year long constant in the Spirit.  But I won't stop trying.  All of the heartache is worth it for these moments and the Promise that one day God will wipe away every tear from my eyes.  Death, grief and pain will cease.  In the meantime, let's cherish these moments that Glow. 

2015 is nearly finished. I send love to you, from my home to yours, and Merry Christmas. To all a goodnight. Lets wake up, drink coffee, or your preferred start up drink, open your door, breathe fresh air, and carry this glow into December 26th.

Letter to the Woman Who Wants My Life

I wrote the following letter to an actual woman in my life.  She and I have had many conversations over the last few weeks about her longing for a baby.  I've shared many thoughts that she finds helpful in her attempt to wait patiently without succumbing to depression, but ultimately, I can't fix this struggle for her.  It's a battle she will face repeatedly, as we all do, and wrestle with on her own and find her own way through it.  But my heart goes out to her.  I was in her shoes for 10 years of waiting and wanting a baby.  I want to try to ease her burden as much as I can. I communicate my heart best through writing, so I put these words to paper for her and for all the women in her shoes I've talked to over the last 10 years.

I also wrote it for myself.  I wrote it to help me remember not to look back with longing to my former life without children, or look forward to my future life when they are grown, but to live in the present moment, fully thankful, fully joyful, fully fulfilled. This truth applies to every person, in every situation, in all walks of life.

Dear Friend, Sister, Colleague, and Woman passing me in Walmart,

You see me and you desire what I have.  I'm not going to lie.  My life is blessed.  It's not wrong to desire what I have.  I have two adorable little girls who offer joy every day, whether I see it and enjoy it or not.  I want you to have what I have.  Children are a delight.  My life is charming in so many ways.  I have a roof over my head, food on my table and three people in my household who love me, not to mention your love for me and the love I feel from at least a hundred friends around the world.

You see me and desire what I have, and it's hard for you to grasp why my life is so challenging for me at times. You can't fathom why I would have any reason to curl up in a ball on the closet floor occasionally and cry my heart out just exactly like you do occasionally.

You see me and desire what I have, so I'm going to try to paint a better picture of exactly what it is I have.....

I am 150% thankful for this life and the babies in it.  I wouldn't change a thing. The reason I am agonized, at times, is because I have a high standard for wanting to live my life to the best of my ability and do a good job with what I have been given. I want to fully enjoy my babies while they are little before it's too late and I don't want to waste a minute.  It stresses me out every time a well meaning stranger says in passing, "Enjoy every minute... they grow up too fast."  I do have many glorious moments of enjoying them. But it's just not humanly possible for every moment to feel glorious. Many times the exhaustion is overwhelming and it's not possible to fully appreciate the babies in those moments. This reality is a grief to me, but nothing can be done about it. This is the plight of motherhood. The act of being a mother is primarily a sacrificial gift of love. Love for the children you are raising and love for all the people who will be blessed by them. God's primary purpose in giving us children is not for personal gratification. However, for mothers who are blessed with wisdom and vision, those mothers can see that it is more blessed to give than to receive. This is the truth that can sustain us in the many, many hard moments. Yes, there are many.

Yet, fortunately, there are also many moments of sheer delight and joy and personal fulfillment in the act of being a mother. It's an added bonus.

I'm an idealist, so I have unrealistic expectations that tell me that if I am doing everything correct, and am the best mother I can be, all moments will feel glorious and wonderful at all times. This is just not true. I know you are an idealist too, so I know you are likely to face this same challenge when you become a mother.

In those moments when things are HARD, I feel guilty because they are hard. I make it EVEN MORE HARD on myself by thinking it's my fault and if I was just a better mother, this would be easier.  Certainly there are times when I make things harder than they need to be with my shortcomings. But there are plenty of times when I have the right attitude and I'm doing everything right and it is still just plain HARD.

When we are in a season of infertility or when we are intentionally waiting to have children, many of us women look at mothers with babies and we want their life, not because we are eager to sacrifice our lives for others, but because we think their life would be more fun than the life we are currently living. And when we hear that those mothers are struggling, we think that they must not be grateful enough for what they have. I admit, certainly there's the occasional ungrateful mother out there, but I highly suspect that most mothers are like me..... SO grateful that they want to do the best job possible and they are beating themselves up trying to do just that. And if you're a good mom, you are going to do the same thing when it's your turn.

So try to stop beating yourself up now, thinking your life isn't full enough now. Try to see your life now and your future life raising babies, not as two separate lives, but as one life.  If babies are in your future, you are already making sacrifices for those babies right now and preparing yourself to be a better mother when they come.  The life experiences you are living now are preparing you for whatever unique challenges you will face in your own private walk as a mother. If you get used to and embrace sacrifice now, it won't be as rude an awakening when sacrifice is an unavoidable reality during motherhood.

So please continue to dream, continue to look forward to the arrival of a baby.  Don't shut your emotions off to protect yourself from the pain of waiting, as I did.  Keep longing, keep desiring, keep waiting so that when your dreams finally do come true, you will be open, ready and excited to receive.  But wait with more awareness of what lies ahead, both the joy and the heartache.  Enjoy your current season of life so that you don't look back and feel you wasted it by pining away for the future.  I have to do the same thing right now.  I have to discipline my mind regularly, telling it to stay in the present moment and not pine away for a future of grown children that will come all too quickly.  If you learn to stay in the present moment now, you'll be better prepared to stay in the present moment and enjoy as much as possible when your glorious babies do come.

This truth applies to every person, in all situations, in all walks of life.